Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts

Monday, October 15, 2012

FEAR, MAKING THE ROUNDS


What is your greatest fear? That's the question our group of sailing bloggers answered this month in Raft Up.

This is the best group of blogs we've turned out, perhaps because fear is so salient for us. As sailors, we face our fears every day. From fear of drowning to being run over by a commercial ship, from our own incompetence to the ultimate fear of losing loved ones overboard, our fears run deep, but we sail on anyway.

Our bloggers bared their beautiful souls this month, telling us what it is they fear and how they soldier on.

Behan  sv-totem.blogspot.com
Steph  sailblogs.com/member/nornabiron
Stacey  sv-bellavita.blogspot.com

Me ploddingINparadise.com
Ean  morejoyeverywhere.com
Lynn  sailcelebration.blogspot.com
Diane maiaaboard.blogspot.com
Jaye  lifeafloatarchives.blogspot.com
Verena  pacificsailors.com
Toast blog.toastfloats.com
Dana  svnorthfork.blogspot.com


Friday, October 5, 2012

RAFT UP: FEAR



When's the last time you were afraid for your life? It's not that common in our everyday life, is it? We don't really have to fear that a pterodactyl could swoop down on us at any second. Frankly, when I lived on land, I never thought about fear.

Then I started cruising.

Okay, and still frankly, I don't live in constant fear on the water either, but cruising does come with a certain element of fear. As sailors, we choose to leave the mantle of land, venturing beyond the safety net of 9-1-1. When you're on a tiny boat in a big ocean, the specter of nature can be frightening, the idea of it even more so.

Fear is a many-headed beast, and I have named them: what-if, oh-shit, never-again and Uber-Fear.

What-if fear rears up and yells at me when I read about sailing disasters and then fixate on them. I find these horror stories irresistible but at the same time, instructive. When we were in the Exumas, I read in my guidebook, "Beware of cuts when there is wind against tide," but that made me yawn. However, when I read the grueling details of fellow cruisers making a bad decision, losing their boat and one of their crew, you can bet I replayed it in my head -- over and over. No wind against current for me.

Oh-shit fear looms up, as the name would imply, in unexpected moments. Like when the boom almost hit Chip in the head in the dead of night. It's when the oh-shits pile up that things can get gnarly. Like the time the jib sheet (rope) got all twangled in a 30-knot wind, causing the sail to flap around like a wounded pterodactyl. Then all that flapping caused the sail to rip. Oh-shit fear has taught me to hunker down and figure it out as I go, one thing at a time.

Never-again fear is retrospective, those whoo-boy moments that I realize later were pretty perilous and that I have NO interest in repeating. Like when I was at the helm going out of the Fort Pierce inlet. A series of signs had warned me: the conditions not matching the prediction, a rainbow at sunrise (shepherd's warning), a long line of boats heading past the inlet, not through it. In fact, only one other boat turned toward the inlet, just ahead of me. I saw it up ahead of me being tossed like a Caesar salad. I should have turned back. I didn't. What ensued was the worst 15 minutes of our cruising career. Never again will I ignore the signs.

Those first three fears, what-if, oh-shit and never again, are arguably my friends, good advisors that I should heed and learn from. But the last and ugliest is my enemy, my Uber Fear aka Self Doubt. Surely I knew this beast when I lived on land, but it had little impact when the dangers were intangible. On land Uber Fear could not tell me that my incompetence was capable of killing me, or worse, of killing Chip. Certainly the argument is based on half truths, but compelling ones. I am not fully competent, and, every once in a while, we really do get in situations with an element of danger.

I scoff at those who call me brave, but if there is any bravery here, it's when I ignore that snarly monster shouting about my incompetence -- and then motor out into the ocean anyway. I win minor skirmishes against the enemy, baby successes, like not hitting a piling today, or mammoth accomplishments like crossing the Tropic of Cancer and returning alive.

But my war against self doubt is a long, slow battle. Every season, I claim a little more territory in my conquest of fear. I take another island, setting my flag on one more sandy shore and swimming in its turquoise waters.

RAFT-UP is many voices on one topic. Please read the thoughts of others on the Raft-Up Fear page.


who are these people? me | chip | cara mia | our very long timeline

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

CLASSIC YACHT: NEW EDITION

Jacksonville, FL



My latest column in Classic Yacht magazine has hit the web -- just as Chip and I have landed in Florida. After weeks of helping our parents, in Delaware, New Jersey (Chip) and New Mexico (me), we are taking some R&R before returning to Cara Mia.

Time to gear up for another season.

Good news: There will be sailing blogs soon!

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

LEARNING FROM OTHERS

Fort Lauderdale, FL


Every once in a while, I "entertain" myself by reading about all the recent disasters at sea.

"Why do you do that?" Chip asked yesterday, a fair and relevant question.

It all started when I was reading a cruiser's book, and they wrote, to paraphrase heavily, "don't let not knowing how to sail keep you from cruising. We knew dick squat, and we didn't die."

That attitude gets me all riled up. Number one, I think it's completely irresponsible to go offshore with that cavalier attitude. When you get into trouble, somebody has to risk their life to come help you. Number two, it's even more irresponsible to encourage others to do the same. Certainly, we all have to learn offshore sailing by, yes, sailing offshore. But doing that without first sailing inshore -- a lot -- is foolish.

Then a few days into stewing about that book, Island Packet posted this article and a haunting, really haunting photo of a fully intact Island Packet 380, exactly like Cara Mia, adrift, ghosting alone in the Atlantic.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

TONGUE LASHING

Alice Town Bimini, Bahamas 25º43.444N | 79º17.879W

Always hopeful.
[[WARNING: This might be a long post. However, trust me, it is nothing compared to the length of this passage.]]

We've arrived! We're in the Bahamas!

My focus on crossing the Gulf Stream was so intent that it overtook all else, including the next step, which unfortunately is a big one. Bimini is sort of out here on its own, a nice stopover. The passage to Nassau requires a 10-hour hike across the Bahama bank, passing through the narrow Northwest Channel, then across the ridiculously deep Tongue of the Ocean, in total close to 125 miles, a 24-hour trek with no real stops in between.

Our longest passage to date was the 13-hour trip from Lake Worth to Miami, no overnighters. Looking ahead at this passage was not necessarily daunting, but one we approached with respect.

We had a plan. And then we changed it.

Based on weather info and good advice, we decided to leave Bimini at dawn on Friday morning for a 24-hour passage to Nassau.

Then all the other boats around us started leaving on Thursday.

When you're part of the Freshman cruisers class, you question everything, especially yourself. Decisions never make you feel 100% confident.

We mulled, questioned, talked to other boats, reevaluated and decided to leave at noon Thursday.

Two other boats in the Freshman class were doing the same thing and wanted to travel with us. They planned to head south out of Bimini through the very shallow Turtle Rocks and then possibly anchor at Chub Cay.

We decided instead to go north out of Bimini, to the North Rock waypoint through deep water (relatively). A one-hop jaunt, all 24-hours to arrive in Nassau by noon on Friday, well ahead of predicted weather on Saturday.

The two other boats decided to follow us, all agreeing that we were making our own decisions.

The three boats left Alice Town at 12:15 under the most perfect Bahamian skies and ridiculous blue water the color of heaven.

Heavenly blue off the western shore of Bimini.
Having finally "arrived" in the Bahamas, I donned my first bathing suit since leaving North Carolina last October. Out came the sunscreen, and I kicked back for six hours of sunlit Bahamian awesomeness.

We headed north along Bimini, a short 6-mile hop to North Rock after which we would turn east. As we approached the northern tip of Bimini, I noticed some clouds in the distance. In a few minutes, it looked more like this:
That's the northern tip of Bimini just under the fog.
A fog bank rolling right toward us. Fortunately the North Rock mark was still clearly visible.

North Rock waypoint, just north of Bimini.
We rounded North Rock and entered the mysterious fog, everything around us beyond 20 yards, invisible. At the time, I thought it was strange. We found out later that fog on the Bahama Banks is incredibly rare. Lucky us! On a positive note, it warded off sunburn.

I was glad we weren't picking our way through shallow waters on the southern passage. On the other hand, who knows if the fog bank reached that far south, something we'll never know.

Our two buddy boats behind us were in hailing distance but invisible to us. The three of us huddled closer together to make a better radar target to approaching boats. This made me remember that we never bought that fog horn. Ah, well, I imagined this fog would not last for long. Yeah, you know, I'm often wrong.

Fog Bank: entered 1:36. Exited 3:44

Oh so slowly, the fog lightened and the ghost ships behind us came into view.

Is there a boat there?
Ah, yes, there IS a boat there.
Lucky for me, I was on the 4 o'clock watch. YES. Before leaving the dock, I had worked out the following watch schedule thinking it played well into our individual biological clocks:

12-4 p.m. Chip
4-8 p.m. Tammy
8-11 p.m. Chip
11p.m. -2a.m. Tammy
2-5 a.m. Chip
5-8 a.m. Tammy
8 a.m.-arrival

The best laid plans.

Fishing line clipped to the jib sheet.
My watch went smoothly -- and beautifully. Literally. I dropped a line in the water and watched as the sun took full advantage of the wide open, horizon to horizon stage, sinking behind me in an unbroken panorama of pastel perfection.

Bahama Banks sunset.
At least I thought it was perfect until I saw the aftermath. Would that be pluperfect?

Twilight on the Bahama Banks.
The riot of gradation from violet to purple to peach made me want to print color swatches and revolutionize the fashion world. Instead I caught the photo and no fish.

Happy Chip making his long awaited Chef Boyardee for dinner.
Under a waning moon, I handed the helm over to Chip until my 11 p.m. watch. Chip's watch was uneventful weather wise, but tense and exciting traffic wise. One of our buddy boats, Island Moon, had AIS, a boat identification system, which provides detailed information on surrounding vessels, pinpointing them on the radar screen -- a radar screen extending far past anything we could pick up on our own radar.

During the dark of night heading across the shallow banks, several freighters approached on our same path. Island Moon hailed the first boat by name and alerted him to our presence. The captain answered and kindly changed his course. The next one hailed by name did not answer. And did not answer. He kept approaching, somewhere out there in darkness, silently barreling toward us.

Island Moon hailed him again, using his vessel name and destination. At long last, Chip tried one more time, "We don't want to talk to you. We just want a confirmation of a port to port pass."

He acknowledged us, and we passed port to port, changing my understanding of two ships passing in the night.

The playing field cleared of traffic in time for my 11 to 2 watch, but alas we approached the Northwest Channel, a narrow passage between two shoals after which the water quickly goes from 3 meters to 324 meters to over 2000 meters. Meters.

I was not really nervous about our approach. Pardon my ignorance. We were headed straight into wind on the nose and a rising tide coming straight at us as well. The wind was predicted to be a light 10-15, the tide unknown to us.

The swells started building a half mile or so before the Northwest Channel waypoint. Seconds after passing it, we entered the ominously named, Tongue of the Ocean. The swells got enormous and with the combination of swells and current coming toward me, the boat stalled. I thought I had lost steerage, a terrifying moment when the boat did not respond to my steering.

At the same moment our other buddy boat, Sail Away, hailed us, just as I looked to port and saw another boat only 50 or so yards away headed the same direction and being thrown high up into the air, slamming back down and up again, like a toy boat tossed about in a fast-moving stream.

Chip advised Ken on Sail Away to head back and anchor up. He was single handing and we were obviously in for a rough night. At that moment, we realized the boat beside us was Ken, because it started a slow pirouette, turning back toward the banks to anchor until dawn. Island Moon anchored as well, both later reporting a miserable and bumpy night.

My steerage problem slowly righted itself as the boat and her captain adjusted to the new conditions. For a few minutes, I asked Chip to step in to see what he could manage against the waves. He usually reads the waves better than I do and knows the right angle to meet them most comfortably.

As we cleared the shallow water and into the deep, the current eased but the swells did not. The wind was cranking straight on our nose a consistent 16 knots, gusting to 20, sometimes above. The swells were a regular big, big, small, small, small, big, big, the large ones coming over the bow, confirmation for which I found when I went below in the wee hours to find we had left the bathroom hatch slightly ajar. Oy.

The size of the seas meant we could not use the autopilot for fear of overworking it. Instead we opted to overwork ourselves. Thus began 10+ hours of wrangling through black seas, watching the radar for traffic, counting the minutes until the end of our watches. Immediately it was clear 3-hour watches were not possible, so we switched to 2 hours, 1-3, 3-5, 5-7.

During my 3-5 watch, I braced my feet firmly at the base of the helm, leaned over resting my elbows on my knees and my hands, on opposite rungs of the wheel. For two solid hours, I alternated the tension on the wheel, like two hours of weight lifting, holding us on course, watching as each tenth of a mile clicked by, murderously slowly, on the GPS.

I became obsessed with the projected arrival time, continually altering course in an attempt to shave even one minute off the glorious end of the trip.

At exactly 5 a.m., Chip took over. I fell onto the cockpit bench and dropped into two hours of exhausted sleep.

We hoped the swell would ease with the sunrise. It did not. The swell maintained itself all the way until we came into the lee of New Providence Island, our destination.

Exhausted and exhilarated, we hailed port control to request entry at a few minutes after 10 a.m. Instead we heard, Cara Mia, Cara Mia, this is WeBeSailing! Chip looked at me, "Did you hear that???!?!!!? It's WeBeSailing!"

I heard it but couldn't believe. In fact, Eric and Annie were quite coincidentally entering Nassau Harbor at the exact moment we were, them from the east, we from the northwest. We had not seen or talked to them since Vero Beach.

After 22 hours, the last 10 beating into waves, we pulled up to the dock at Nassau Yacht Haven and threw our lines to the welcoming hands of Eric and Annie.

Fog, forgotten. Tongue lashing, a distant memory. Exhaustion, real but soon remedied.

We made it, earned our way, every nautical mile of it, to Nassau.

Nassau, Bahamas 25º45.34N | 77º19.088W

Sunday, December 5, 2010

RETURN TO SANITY

St. Augustine, FL 29º53.153N | 81º18.319W

Sunrise south of St. Augustine
I had a few words with that damned mooring ball in St. Augustine before I released it this morning at 7:05, not patient enough to wait for sunrise.

The reasons are not clear to me yet, but we've noticed a definite trend about cruising life: if we stay stationary for more than three days, we get restless, but the second the hull starts moving through the water, the restlessness just completely evaporates. We're suddenly productive and motivated to take on the world, almost giddy.

My fears of yesterday seem long ago and clearly overblown, but as first-time cruisers, we go through various stages of excitement, worry, joy, fear, confidence and lack thereof, all in the normal course of setting off on a new adventure. We are living a dream, not a daydream.

I remember telling our daughter as she was leaving for France last year, terrified, that nothing worth doing comes without fear. The greater the challenge, the greater the fear. Never let fear keep you from chasing your dream.

I do not view fear as a negative thing, just another element that must be harnessed, learned from, put in its proper perspective. It is normal to experience fear, cowardly not to admit it and foolish not to take its lessons.

We pulled into a marina in Daytona midafternoon -- into a slip coincidentally right beside friends from the Outer Banks who now live here. The four of us had a blast watching the Christmas boat parade from the bar next to the marina, one of those happy serendipitous moments of life on the water.

Daytona, FL 29º12.309N | 81º00.878W

Fishing boats heading north at sunrise.    ©2010 Tammy Kennon

Beautiful homes along the ICW.

Awesome trailer park sharing the same view with the mansions.

Friday, December 3, 2010

THINGS I SHOULD NOT DO

St. Augustine, FL 29º53.153N | 81º18.319W

[[INSERT PHOTO HERE]]
Me freaking out.  ©2010 Tammy Kennon

Yesterday I used the bad weather as an opportunity to be productive. Today, to mix things up, I tipped the other side of the scale. Really, really unproductive.

I was reading another cruiser's sailing blog, and apparently we read all the same news, because it was a discussion of two articles I had been obsessing over. First was the experienced sailor who was killed near Bermuda last week when his boat rolled 360º in heavy seas, the details of which I will not scare you with, but his crew of two survived. Then in a separate incident the Coast Guard has called off the search for a woman missing after her sailboat was swamped in the Abacos -- yes, the Bahamas. Again, no frightening details, but three other people onboard survived.

The blogger followed this recap of the dreadful sailing news with a thoughtful discussion of how he might improve the safety equipment on his own boat to avoid such disasters.

Dang, I respect people who can react in such a sane and practical way to this type of news.

After having read the same news stories, I had a thoughtful conversation with myself that ran more to WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING!!?!!?!?!

With several days in a row of sitting on a mooring listening to the wind howling and the mooring ball cracking on the side of the hull, my nerves are shot, my confidence low. The very thought of heading offshore seems remote, ill-advised, insane. Disaster seems certain. Dismasting inevitable. Death imminent.

Then I listened to some Christmas music and reminisced about fun times with the kids, who we won't see this holiday season, about friends and family faraway, probably sitting in front of fireplaces sipping eggnog.

Tomorrow, I'm planning a few paper cuts in the morning and severals drops of lemon juice in my eyes after lunch while scraping my fingernails on a chalkboard.

St. Augustine, FL 29º53.153N | 81º18.319W      <-- TIME TO GO!!!!!